santa (or a certain mum) got this lovely piece for ms. s playroom. were working on the placement of it as its huge & is overtaking. but i saw this at the land of nod in chicage a few years back & it was lovely. so i ordered it & it arrived right before christmas. ohh its so cute.

sins drifting away

in thailand theres a festival that happens where people gather to let go of lanterns up in the sky that are suppose to let your sins & bad luck travel far away from you up & away.
made me think if this could really be all that we need to free ourselves from the guilt & yuckiness we carry within us through out our lives or even the moments after we committed them. why cant there be a sure way to know that we have been forgiven for such things? i know that its best to let go of the past & continue on with the future seeking brightness along with fresh opportunities where ever we go but wouldnt it be better if we knew for sure that god had let go of our mistakes & has forgiven us for our sins so we can trot along with a bounce in our step?!!
i always hear in some faiths that god loves us & that he is forgiving & generous. but how long can that last & how far can it go & for how long before it all runs out?
hmmmm i was just thinking about sins drifiting away. how nice would that be for all the good people in the world but how horrid for the bad hearted ones who intentionally commit sins.

christmas afternoon & evening

funky house all decked out for christmans decorations along the way that folks were lined up for in their cars to see.

were spent eating aloo parathas with sweet yogurt at my parents house with the special request from dahling for those & then followed by a quick nap which was then followed up with dinner at our friends house where there was a proper tree & everything & dinner & drinks. a lovely day all in all.
however i was thinking about how much i could have done or could have been in my life if only my parents upbringing was a little more about molding the child to what they need to become instead of what they need to be in their eyes (which was a desi urdu speaking person along with a perfect american with the qualities of a desi daughter that carries on a household along with other things when she gets married). i know it sounds really controlling & harsh but the liberal part has only settled into my parents lives a few years back. i was raised in a house full of family feuds often & me having to take the role of a caregiver many times. i was so busy in that fumble & then the role of trying to be a good daughter that i think i kinda put the wanting to be something wonderful in life (school-wise) on the back burner. my goal was to make money, get out decently & not be dependent on anyone back then.
all those goals have been met plus a few more but i cant help but find myself a little out of the loop of intellect & of what a spectacular someone i could have been if i had applied myself in that specific spectacular direction. but then again this fight continues-i have accomplished all that i wanted to for some time now so why the sad & sometimes angry face(when no ones looking) when i come across a lovely person thats just starting out & has their feet planted firmly on the ground; for now- who has yet to experience lifes aching troubles. its what i could have been-its that type of predicament.
another battle thats linked to this that seems to continue in my life is that of being good at a little bit of everything.
if youre a little good at everything & if you keep things well rounded in all aspects you dont seem to be superior at just one specific thing. sometimes i wonder if it is good to be focused on one thing rather than so much. being involved in so much gives you a rather lovely headache at times & is pretty darn exhausting. so those doctors or those computer geeks may have had it hard in school but i wonder how lovely they are now in this world without having to worry about preschools, making cookies, credit card bills, what color curtains go well in the living room or what to do with the rest of your life.
ill write more on this a little later. but for now i must wake up my child & dahling from their late nap. its just another thing i need to do since im pretty decent with wake-up calls as well.

Christmas morning

This is the final product that were packaged in silver tin boxes.

heres my help decorating the premade pillsbury cookies.



& um the prep work. so there were guava puffs, the lovely coconut macaroons, & the pillsbury sugar cookies. yummo. it was fun to give.

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a freezing sat. afternoon

weve finally gotten to spend time with the 3 of us after a few days & this afternoon was a nice way to spend it. it was freezing. we decided to eat at the shish kabob place on fayetville st. (cuz i thought it looked so new yorkish). so i parked way too far & we walked freezing our little butts off to get there. then we had to go to the new starbucks underneath the mariott if we were going to walk back all the way to the car. so while we drank our cream brulee latte & caramel apple cider ms. s spotted the skating rink & had to go iceskate (as if shes been doing it for years) & she wasnt taking no for an answer. & since dahling is so handy dandy in everything in life & knows how to do this lovely sport-he was the only one willing to go out there to fulfill his daughters wish. as they did what they could out there i couldnt stop laughing at how ms. s had her hat all up in her face & her jacket all picked up with her tiny belly showing as he tried to make her do little twists on ice. i got a kick out of the whole thing. i thought itd be nice to go get the car until they were done doing their rounds. as i ran to get the car my feet froze away but i knew i had to go get the car. love makes you do crazy things.
so on the way i dropped in to port city jave to get a ginger chai as i knew theyd need that as soon as they would jump in the car.
from there we went to my fav. & cute as heck cupcake shoppe on glenwood for my fav. carrot cake one as ms. s surprisingly passed the green or pink frosting & settled on a simple cinn. one. driving home ms. s fell asleep & dahling & i relaxed & took a power nap of literally 15 mins.
as i stood in the hot shower for way too long i couldnt help but feel a little more normal than i had felt in days.

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Our familys house when we moved to NC and where I grew up in until I got married. My parents sold the place in 2006. I went there yesterday while driving in downtown Cary to see where it all began. I couldn't help but cry it all out that was bottled up inside of me. A mixture of so much but that winter downer that I always feel when it gets too cold here and the longing of days gone by. I missed adolesence & innocense. Yes I def. missed that along with my family being like a little pack of kitties. So many freakin' memories & emotions. Anyhow I whaled a loud cry in the car that let loose of tears that were crowding my insides. I tried to get a hold of myself bit by bit and drove myself to work & into the daily grind.






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you know what i like on a reg. basis in the winter

in no specific order:
=red wine with italian food
=bread with olive oil for dipping
=lights dimly lit all over the house & in the windows
=candles aglow
=dishes washed & stowed (i always feel tense if those arent done)
=warm socks & boots (oooh i love long boots)
=fireplace lit
=fresh breads baking in the oven
=warm down duvet with its soft white cover
=coffee shops & crowded restaurants
=anything with whipped cream
=christmas songs & movies (oh my cars radio station is always playing those @ this time)
= subtle winter decorations around the house (like snowflakes & lit up houses)
=get togethers

gods big playground

over the weekend we stayed a bit busy. ms. s & i made some lovely tshirts for the well deserved boys in the family & i made some lovely coconut macaroons (a recipe passed on from the love ms. z whos so faraway but never forgotten). they came out pretty darn decent for a first try. the tshirts too turned out well. cant wait to see the boys expressions when they receive one each. :-)
no one will leave the house with them on for sure but its best to include here that the thought best count here a tun.
im feeling better but it seems as if the sniffles arent letting go. darn.
over the weekend someone i knew from afar passed away but i met her 2 times & she was sweet to my little girl im sure many times as ms. s used to hang out with mr. m at their little store in raleigh.
the thought of the situation of who & how she left this world haunted me. she got sick while she was pregnant, the little boy safely removed at 7 months, but her to pass away a few weeks after leaving her baby who will never know his real mum. it made me so sad, so so sad at this haunting situation. sure the boy will certainly find an almost mom in his life as his dad is so young but the feeling to never have felt your mothers touch is devastating. ahh this world & the things that take place here.
another few situations later all i have to say is that this world really is gods big playground. he does as he pleases for reasons we earthlings cant comprehend. hmmm to that.
you can have your head under the wet ground & all of a sudden have no choice but to pull out & take a jog. you think you have it good & discover that underneath that fresh pile of leaves there is a process of rotting taking place. nasty. or you have it bad & then you see others that have what is really called having it bad. hmmm again.

crafty time

the craft room has been busy lately since its that time of the year. but it was more so ahead of time because of ms. s center going on break earlier. so there were the little kids there & her 2 wonderful teachers. & we had a couple more gifts to give for new babies of friends that we needed to visit so there was a lot of stuff to give. & after visiting another friends house & doing a little crafting there i was more inspired to make things like i once used to.
Our presents and favors for ms. S friends and teachers and handmade cards. & ms. s tried to help but it ends more in a mess and her own project of glue & glitter then anything else.














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i feel yuck

sometimes you can be doing everything in the world & be talking to everyone but your mind quite isnt there. & then there are days where youre literally not doing anything & you just dont know what to feel. except for being sad. & alone. & sick. or maybe all that stuff is making you sick. i dont know. whichever way it is i dont feel good.
every dog has its day-enjoy them when you have them i guess.
i guess its good to be alone & to spend your day miserably rather than having company around to witness it. (dahling it aint your fault at all)
ive been pausing alot to see what i feel like writing next but all i feel like writing is that i feel exhausted. i hope ms. s wants to sleep early tonite as she didnt nap this afternoon. i certainly need to lie down.

pretty huh

i can still feel the breeze in my hair.

some photos from the disposable camera from portugal

ahhh

a pic from boca de inferno near cascais in portugal that i took

im mesmerized by the creativity that flows in this world. its freakin' everywhere. i wish i had a sewing machine (& knew how to use it to my hearts content) & yarn (to learn to knit some cute creatures) & paint (if only to know how to draw or sketch) or a fancy schmancy camera (so i could learn more than whats color & b&w or sepia tones). but i dont have that. i dont get any of those items because i think id leave them somewhere after just purchasing them im afraid of not being able to learn to use those instruments.
my scrapbook room seems to stay untouched unless i need to fetch some tissue & a gift bag for something. i still have a few of the cards i made left from awhile back that i pack along with the giftbag for an occasion. with the weather being so dreary i may get the courage to go in there & do something soon. but with it not feeling like december still its hard to stay all couped up in the house. so i leave the room closed. should have made it an extra bedroom as it was meant to be. a frightening thought but one that lingers in my brain sometimes. i changed the wreath on the door for this season (a pearly white one w/ silver ornaments in it) & put out the 2 cute lit up houses that i have. 1 of a snowy house & a gingerbread house with twinkling lites. ms. s cant keep her hands off of them. the snowy one has almost the exact same wreath on its little door as my own.
dont have the energy to figure out what else to decorate with as i decided not to go thru the trouble of a christmas tree. no holiday gathering taking place here.
anyhow i made some dal & am taking it to one of our friends house for a late dinner to catch up & let ms. s waste some of her unfiltered energy. as soon as dahling arrives ofcourse. i do hope the dal is ok for the rest. now if i can just pull myself up to get dressed decently to go.

by the way do you ever find yourself kinda ticked off & you dont really know why until a little later & you feel surprised because you thought there was no issue bothering you but it had already crawled underneath your skin? yeah well what are you gonna do right!
a verse stuck in my head:
"why does love always seem like a battlefield" by someone famous (too lazy to figure it out right now)
waiting to watch: vada raha as soon as i have some company to watch it with.
im reading: born confused by tanuja desai hidier

& i need a massage.

At the salon

Why is it that my feet tend to be colder than the rest of my body? I've been using a hair dryer to keep them warm as I can't pull on a pair of socks here.


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writing stuff

i wonder sometimes if i should even bother writing in a journal anymore. i mean how do i know if that will ever get checked or read? & who will read it when im old or after i die? i remember writing whatever i felt ages ago in my journals without a worry. those wonderful journals are gone sadly enough (due to my dads anger rounds-many of my letters & journals were destroyed) but after getting married or a little time before that my writing had to be curbed. i could no longer write what i felt exactly as i was afraid that someone may discover it. i had to be careful. i started blogging a few years back. i remember sitting in my office in cafe noir & it was pouring outside. i decided that i should start journaling online as i was always around a computer. i havent stopped since. i do it at my convenience. & i have a very tiny audience (especially after losing my old blog address to the internet blogger world) but i dont mind. i rather share little as possible as it stays better that way. i just want a record of my life stuff & my ramblings. its nice to be able to vent sometimes. ive been an amateur writer ever since i was in the 2nd grade. i adored it. i dealt with hard things & feelings in general thru writing. i dont know huge words or am very good at it but all i know is that i enjoy it. so i do it. whenever i can.
anyhow random stuff:
i think that people that dont say things outloud in whatever way seem to suffer more than those that do. its bad to keep anything bottled up for too long (except for maybe a good bottle of wine). i think that people that are insecure owe that to their upbringing. insecurity is a bad asset to have. it outshines all other things. i think that the people that you let into your life are family, not just blood realtions. theres something that they are adding to your life, thats why god has introduced you to them.
i think that its easier to be nice than to be mean.
i also think its best to say sorry when you know youre wrong than to play it off.

some eid dinner pics at red room

eid mubarak

seriously eid mubarak to you.
may god grant us to be the best we can be.
may god grant jannat to the ones we've lost in our lives.
may god grant us a place in his kingdom as well.
may god grant us with a shower of all his blessings.
may god grant us inner peace.
may god grant us to be beautiful in more ways than a few.

eid morning

eid was spent calmly & nicely. went to the eid prayer & then had breakfast at dunkin' donuts.

thanksgiving food pics