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long nap

as i sit here today after waking up at 6 from what was suppose to be a midday nap im kinda lost. i mean what are we to do with ourselves in life to pass the time?
ms. s was sleeping next to me & dahling wasnt home. i felt as if i didnt wake up & then try to wake ms. s up no one would even notice. i feel like this sometimes & its a disheartning feeling. its like no one even knows whats up with us. & if i didnt wake up then no one would wake my child up either. i dont know if this makes any sense but do you see what im saying? its like no ones around, no one cares. its a lonely feeling. i bet people feel like this sometimes.
ahhh
& what can you do on a saturday after your long nap if you have no where to go or no one to see? we went to the mall, we went to the park  during the day & now there was no where to be. but what could we do now to pass the time until we have to go to bed again. its all such a repeat show of time pass. its a yucky thing.
lately i have no energy & all i want to do is rest or eat. im tired & i could really care less about my house being cleaned from top to bottom. id like for it to be but i just cant do it. i want to be looked after & i dont want to have to look after others. its so difficult to do that without being the meany!
& you cant always hold onto the little things that are said in a relationship occasionally when there was no intended harm. we are allowed to say random senseless things sometimes. it doesnt need to mean that we need to dissect the whole "issue" & needing a thearpist type of thing. goodness. just let it go. i dont want to always have to be careful of everything i want to or have to say. it just feels too uptight. ok thats that.

& then the snow again

feb images

images from valentines

a bit of ranting once again

im feeling like i can talk on things that would go on for chapters. but i dont know if any of it will make sense. so here it goes...
i dont think that money, name, friends, a grand occupation of some sort makes you fully whole. yes it makes some of who you are but it doesnt make you the person that you are or are going to be in life for yourself as well for the handful of people that will watch you thru out. no its not only the cars you drove or owned ,
or the house that you grew up or live in now,
or the amount of shoes you own,
or the amt.of friends you have,
or the towns you were raised in,
or all the loves you had in your life,
or how you have your house set up.
all this combined with so much more makes you who you are now & in the future.
you can travel 12 different countries & see an uncountable amount of towns all over the world & the US up until now but that doesnt make all of me.

im not sure what it is that makes the whole you but i know those arent the only things. i know that your upbringing, your values, your nice-ness, my meani-ness, your hard head, my fears,
my most tender spots, your most craziest insecurities, my taste in food (more so spicy),
my shopping habits, your gift giving habits, my inviting people over to the house for food (even if you may never get the invite back), your weak spots, my anger management,
your treatment of older people, my view point on little kids, your feelings for a dog, my neatness, your messiness, your listening skills, my view on the world (how its so big yet so small & within reach), your abilty to lead or teach anything, my loyalties, my taste in books & films, your long term relatonships, my ability to hang in wherever, the many jobs i held (& always left), your confusions,
all make me/us up.
i think that a jumble of everything is what creates a human being. not just a person but one that is well rounded.
you can sit there & say that "i know the world ive seen it all already" but if you cant put yourself under most of these tabs, im sorry but you are yet to be a person that can make such a priveledged statement.
growing up in 1 place & coming to a new town to work & live in is not seeing the world. nor is having 1 type of job your whole life hardly qualifies for a you know it all card.
people do it all the time but i find that immensly unflattering. what can you hardly share with others in your life? how can you mesmerize your children or your spouse? how can you truly know that you lived if you dont want to experience more of the world & what is out there?!! there is so much out there. so much that we cant even wrap our silly little heads around even if we tried.
i can remember so many little events that happened thru out my life. & each one of them i wish i could paint a vivid picture of & glue it in with a story worth telling. each worthy moment that made me who i am. i dont talk of things or of events that i have gone thru in front of anyone. they are released over time to only a few that simply understand. & i dont feel the need to show anyone all the elements that make me the fabulous person that i am today. & yes i can say that. can you? i hope that you can soon enough or its a life of waste. i must admit-i do try in my own ways daily to live life a bit more. so i dont ever stop growing. one should never want to stop learning. one should never think that this is all there is to life. though i have many days where it certainly feels as if there could be nothing more than this.
i know in my heart that life is so precious & good.
if we were kids with a chart that received stars for all the good things weve done thru out, we'd each have a galaxy of our own.
oh my heart is filled with endless rants but i think this is as decent as i can get it to be tonite.
im not sure how to conclude this whole post so ill leave it as it is.

dear valentine

i feel comfortable enough not to worry that i needed to get you a present on this media made day to prove to you that i love you.
but i def. appreciated all your lovely gestures for me.

pics from when my cousin was over at my house

they are kinda cute & simple. i like em.

i love pt. deux

i love the way she stirs a foundue fork int a big conch shell telling me "im not very good at mixing but what you want to eat?" & theres pennies & hair pins in there.

how she wakes up in the morning & comes straight into my room & slides in between the covers telling me "wake up-lets go eat."
i wonder how long would i lie in bed if it werent for her? sometimes i do wish i could stay in there for awhile though on a day like today-cuz my head was ready to explode from the ache of being yucky sick.

i also love the way my heart sinks when i think of him. the lingering taste of bliss in my heart. its peaceful. no one needs to know all that you feel.
like someone once told me recently; some-things you take with you to your grave. 'or with you while you go on with the daily grind'-i added in my head. arent there moments with people that you spent that make you swallow hard & put you at ease all at the same time. & arent those the moments that make you feel alive?

im trying to put out a little bit of love this month so that i can see that the world isnt a sad a place after all. dont ask me where & from who are the tidbits that i write off ? they are all from my head & from my life. thats plently as is.

i love pt. un

i mean how the heck did we already jump into this so quick?

i love this month because there are hearts everywhere. & if you live in the usa you know how much this month is all over the place. valentinish stuff on the windows of stores, hearts in the shapes of cookies & chocolates, on kids shirts, & just everywhere. man i love heart stuff. i love stars but hearts are too cute as well. my latest collection is of hearts in the form of paperweights made of heavy glass or marble. im trying to hold off buying some that i saw until after v-day but i dont know how long thatll last. im def. wanting the alabaster red heart from barnes & nobles. (pic. aboved) i hope its there when i get to it. ooh & the ones at world market. i heart them.

okay enough of that.

umm what else is on my mind? umm how this weather sucks. ive been tired of sitting at home. & though most days i dont do a whole lot-seems as if in sucky weather everything feels very limited.

im dreaming of walking around bleecker street & the west village ooohing & aaahing over stumbling upon stores that wouldnt ever be seen here in nc. i can see myself just getting lost once again in & out of the streets imagining a life there. i love thinking about me living in the city. ahhhhh.

i cant stop picturing places ive been to. for instance, there are some spots that you are standing or sitting at & you know that this place will often be visited in your head again & again. like

~the chinese restaurant all dark & bricky with fab. tiny dishes in the village.

~the lobby of the W when i walked in

~of the narrow streets in seville that twist & turn & lead you onto a spill of small local shops of olives stuffed with garlic in big barrels along with limey peppers & of bakeries that sell fresh cinn. twists that would go lovely with tea in the morning.

~of the mosque in kuala lampur where i had to wear a blue burkha to be able to go upstairs & sit inside where when i prayed, my eyes spilled with tears.

~of the little dhaba/local type place i went to & had dosa & sambhar in the evening while on my walk in the neighborhood while talking to the owner there.

~of the rest. i sat at & had a plate of biryani with a cooling pink drink made of milk & jello pieces where right above me the fans were on & every few minutes water was sprayed to help cool you off.

~of the hammock in the middle of the pool next to the bar there in cancun. how i sank right in while the sun glowed atop.

~of the boat swaying while in transit from marco polos airport to lido.

~of walking around trying to get to the bullring in port.

~of dubai-esp. when i was sitting at the little desi club while watching the pretty desi girls dancing alongside eating roti with mattar paneer hearing my mom humming alongside one of the songs being played.

~of paris-the first time i laid my eyes on the tower while crossing a very busy street.

~of walking out onto the street in london & watching a protest live. & of later on finding a little tiny cutsey bakery where hot coffee never tasted better but did even more alongside a tiny pastry & overhearing locals conversations. remember that (dahling?)

oh i can go on & on but i need to stop. does that ever happen to you? you stand in a moment & think that you want to be totally in this moment as not to miss a beat so you can savor it later when youre sitting on your couch at home or driving around town. its like a mental picture you take that will go with you wherever you may be.

yeah it snowed hard here

i look like an idiot but i did slide down the hill in this bucket as best i could so thats my proof (& me falling over hence the blacked up knees)

my pic. not so great but i love ms. s in it. its perfect as it started to snow & she did what she thought was right.the front door. well i really liked the way it looked with my vday wreath & snow on the steps.

ms. s wanted to oh so badly play in it all day long but she froze her little fingers off in a jiffy & was crying to go back inside. i wanted to play a little longer. the past 2 days have been spent indoors with lots of tv watching & eating. but what can you do when everythings closed & you have plenty of food around?!!

& the back yard view. same every year.

oh i so

*am ready for the big VDAY! i dont have anything planned but its always fun to look forward to. & i love the after sales. im also hosting a valentines party at my place for my mummy group. ms. s & i are already working on our favors.
*am wanting to run off to somewhere far far away again as my soul is craving an unknown location for no specific purpose but to roam & explore. i want to sit on a bench or a side stoop resting between destinations within a new city. i want to oh so badly tread new sidewalks & sidestreets in hopes to find something savory to chew into.
*am wanting to win the lotto which i dont ever play. or just having a wad of cash falling from the sky to make it all better. yes many things will get better that way.
*want a wonderfully fab. camera whose images i can relish.
*want to throw a wild party from the book 'where the wild things are' for a fab. birthday. ive adored the book since i was wee little. i adore it esp. since i found the 4 characters in plush form.
*need to shop for new clothes. im so boring lately. or so i feel.
*need help. i cant stop organizing my closet & my underwear drawer. whats the point?!!
*need to stop eating so thoughtlessly. my doc. has reported that i need to cut down on my cholesterol & exercise to keep it down. but i love my scones with whipped cream.
*need to finish my lovely book that a friend gave to me before she left me for a far away life. i love every bit of the yellow sticky notes that surprise me with her thoughts after a few pages. i adore it immensely.
*am tired right now.

???***???

i dont know where to begin. sometimes i wish that i would just keep a recorder next to me so i can record all that i want to say when its all going on. the words would just pour out of me. but then i think that its better not to have on record all the things id be saying when my feelings are so raw.
this afternoon i learned some new things & some that just went into review of that i already knew but that needed to be dusted off & brought onto display once again. being a mum myself i want to be the best that i can be. but day in & day out its tiring to be on your best behavior. to be a picture perfect preschool teacher or like mary poppins. for each day brings new things & new challenges that distract you from being what you wish you could be. but it should be recognized when an effort is being made.
good lord when does parenting ever end?!!
what is it about a parent child relationship that is so delicate & yet so tough at the same time. & what i mean really is that of a daughter & mother relationship. its so complicated yet as simple as love (when it is there).
lately i cant help but feel a bit on the sad side. im not depressed. i choose not to let anything like that take me over. but i am quicker to saddness these days then ever before. i wonder each day why & i think its because its so hard for me to believe the realities of life & of the people that make it up. sometimes a tun of things happen one right after the other & it hits you like a ton of bricks; the harshness of it all. the truth of it all.
theres no one to blame! im glad i realize that early on as i would hate to be bitter about everyone & everything in the world.
i need to know that there is more good in the world than yuckiness.
ahhhh how i wish i lived in a lovely land of fairies & godmothers & cupcakes :-)
i felt like i had alot to say today but the more i try to type the more i run out of words for the overwhelming feeling ive been feeling of maybe just growing a little more & comprehending it all a little more. maybe ummm wisdom.
today i pictured myself going home in the middle of the day & packing one of my bags & leaving. i didnt know to where or to do what but i felt like going away. i wanted to be missed. i wanted to be wondered about. & then i wanted this action to bring forth a reaction of an outpour of true & immense love.
its not that i couldnt do it, its that i chose not to. i dont want to hurt others because im hurting. its not fair. ive realized in time that im the type to weather the storm (as little or as big as it may seem) & to come out a bit tougher on the other side. & ive realized not to create my own little storms. they arent worth it.
i need to keep learning & evolving.
i need to keep an open mind to the way people & things work.
or else ill become a robot. & a robot has no heart.
i have heart-i know i do.
my mom told me that she tells me her life stuff so i can learn from them & become a better person than her. its hard to think that a person can really want that for another fellow being these days. but this is what i meant about a parent child relationship & of love.

i need to believe that its love thats still keeping the world rotating on its axis. it just has to be.

my tea party

it was fun to plan. & i think it came out pretty. i had 3 hot teas & 1 iced. the cupcakes were picture perfect & i think the blue feather boas turned out pretty on the table & especially on the chandelier. i dressed it up with ikea playcups hanging from a string. & it was a good colored theme as my formal dining is a blue & white china colored. the inspiration came from mary engelbreits placemats & coasters. everything stemmed from that.

the ladies

& though i hate when folks say yes & at the last minute back out, the turn out was decent. about 13 gals. i had anticipated many more but all is well. but i think they enjoyed it. we also had pearl necklaces & diamond rings as favors & the cups were suppose to go along with them with their names on it but that didnt happen as folks came in at diff times.

ms. s & i

The weather is exactly a representation of how I'm feeling lately. People can be so mean to one another, it's heartbreaking. It's people that teach you to behave the way you do. We'd all be nice and sweet if everyone else was. I guess at times like this- you're lucky to have your own little cheerleaders near you ( like dahling and ms. S) and this is why people create their own little teams. You have to have one of your own to occupy your time here on earth. It's funny how when you back away from people no one has the time to ask why or to care. What's going on here?!! The world wasn't that horrid before.


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im stressed

& you ask what else is new? but this is a bit crazy. life needs to calm the heck down. so for that im trying to minimize where ever i possibly can. theres lots going on & theres lots that needs to be tended to in the sense of decision making. im sure everything will fall into place soon enough but until it does, its mind boggling. everything is everywhere & im trying to hold it all in place.
a few pieces of advice im trying to follow:
-keep it simple
-make one big decision & the rest will follow
-trust in god
-stop scheduling more than you can handle

all good stuff but its hard to follow.
im stressing the tea party im having. i think i have it mostly figured out but its not completely there yet & yes its this sunday. my tea cups are take homes that are to be used while they are here but they dont have handles on them. i have already purchased a large quantity of them. so thats where it begun. also have 3 big teapots that should be decent enough. probably need an iced tea as well.
my craft room is filled with boas & mary engelbriets themed stuff & fake pearl necklaces. the menu is getting there with a def. of cupcakes, cucumber sandwiches, pimento cheese ones & chix. salad. a fruit tray & plenty of cookies will be around. im just not sure what else to do just yet. maybe something spicy as well.
i just hope it all goes well. im stressing about the tea pots & how to keep the water hot.
& so im hoping to get thru this weekend & then the rest must follow.

I'm in Charlotte finally visiting ms s's "thaou" (dahlings brother) . And ms s is having a nice time. She loves to be around extended family. She likes knowing her cousins. And dahlings bro. adores her. While they dance I can't help the headache go away. Maybe 1 drink too little for me or it's just me not feeling good as I've been like on and off lately. Hmmm. Hoping I'll make out this weekend ok.

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jan31st

new years eve with family- which was dahling bday as well.
& yes a&a are our family as well. we spend way too much time together.

& the dancing

well mummy was def. bestest & the mostest.