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i dont know where to begin. sometimes i wish that i would just keep a recorder next to me so i can record all that i want to say when its all going on. the words would just pour out of me. but then i think that its better not to have on record all the things id be saying when my feelings are so raw.
this afternoon i learned some new things & some that just went into review of that i already knew but that needed to be dusted off & brought onto display once again. being a mum myself i want to be the best that i can be. but day in & day out its tiring to be on your best behavior. to be a picture perfect preschool teacher or like mary poppins. for each day brings new things & new challenges that distract you from being what you wish you could be. but it should be recognized when an effort is being made.
good lord when does parenting ever end?!!
what is it about a parent child relationship that is so delicate & yet so tough at the same time. & what i mean really is that of a daughter & mother relationship. its so complicated yet as simple as love (when it is there).
lately i cant help but feel a bit on the sad side. im not depressed. i choose not to let anything like that take me over. but i am quicker to saddness these days then ever before. i wonder each day why & i think its because its so hard for me to believe the realities of life & of the people that make it up. sometimes a tun of things happen one right after the other & it hits you like a ton of bricks; the harshness of it all. the truth of it all.
theres no one to blame! im glad i realize that early on as i would hate to be bitter about everyone & everything in the world.
i need to know that there is more good in the world than yuckiness.
ahhhh how i wish i lived in a lovely land of fairies & godmothers & cupcakes :-)
i felt like i had alot to say today but the more i try to type the more i run out of words for the overwhelming feeling ive been feeling of maybe just growing a little more & comprehending it all a little more. maybe ummm wisdom.
today i pictured myself going home in the middle of the day & packing one of my bags & leaving. i didnt know to where or to do what but i felt like going away. i wanted to be missed. i wanted to be wondered about. & then i wanted this action to bring forth a reaction of an outpour of true & immense love.
its not that i couldnt do it, its that i chose not to. i dont want to hurt others because im hurting. its not fair. ive realized in time that im the type to weather the storm (as little or as big as it may seem) & to come out a bit tougher on the other side. & ive realized not to create my own little storms. they arent worth it.
i need to keep learning & evolving.
i need to keep an open mind to the way people & things work.
or else ill become a robot. & a robot has no heart.
i have heart-i know i do.
my mom told me that she tells me her life stuff so i can learn from them & become a better person than her. its hard to think that a person can really want that for another fellow being these days. but this is what i meant about a parent child relationship & of love.

i need to believe that its love thats still keeping the world rotating on its axis. it just has to be.