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i dont know where to begin. sometimes i wish that i would just keep a recorder next to me so i can record all that i want to say when its all going on. the words would just pour out of me. but then i think that its better not to have on record all the things id be saying when my feelings are so raw.
this afternoon i learned some new things & some that just went into review of that i already knew but that needed to be dusted off & brought onto display once again. being a mum myself i want to be the best that i can be. but day in & day out its tiring to be on your best behavior. to be a picture perfect preschool teacher or like mary poppins. for each day brings new things & new challenges that distract you from being what you wish you could be. but it should be recognized when an effort is being made.
good lord when does parenting ever end?!!
what is it about a parent child relationship that is so delicate & yet so tough at the same time. & what i mean really is that of a daughter & mother relationship. its so complicated yet as simple as love (when it is there).
lately i cant help but feel a bit on the sad side. im not depressed. i choose not to let anything like that take me over. but i am quicker to saddness these days then ever before. i wonder each day why & i think its because its so hard for me to believe the realities of life & of the people that make it up. sometimes a tun of things happen one right after the other & it hits you like a ton of bricks; the harshness of it all. the truth of it all.
theres no one to blame! im glad i realize that early on as i would hate to be bitter about everyone & everything in the world.
i need to know that there is more good in the world than yuckiness.
ahhhh how i wish i lived in a lovely land of fairies & godmothers & cupcakes :-)
i felt like i had alot to say today but the more i try to type the more i run out of words for the overwhelming feeling ive been feeling of maybe just growing a little more & comprehending it all a little more. maybe ummm wisdom.
today i pictured myself going home in the middle of the day & packing one of my bags & leaving. i didnt know to where or to do what but i felt like going away. i wanted to be missed. i wanted to be wondered about. & then i wanted this action to bring forth a reaction of an outpour of true & immense love.
its not that i couldnt do it, its that i chose not to. i dont want to hurt others because im hurting. its not fair. ive realized in time that im the type to weather the storm (as little or as big as it may seem) & to come out a bit tougher on the other side. & ive realized not to create my own little storms. they arent worth it.
i need to keep learning & evolving.
i need to keep an open mind to the way people & things work.
or else ill become a robot. & a robot has no heart.
i have heart-i know i do.
my mom told me that she tells me her life stuff so i can learn from them & become a better person than her. its hard to think that a person can really want that for another fellow being these days. but this is what i meant about a parent child relationship & of love.

i need to believe that its love thats still keeping the world rotating on its axis. it just has to be.

my tea party

it was fun to plan. & i think it came out pretty. i had 3 hot teas & 1 iced. the cupcakes were picture perfect & i think the blue feather boas turned out pretty on the table & especially on the chandelier. i dressed it up with ikea playcups hanging from a string. & it was a good colored theme as my formal dining is a blue & white china colored. the inspiration came from mary engelbreits placemats & coasters. everything stemmed from that.

the ladies

& though i hate when folks say yes & at the last minute back out, the turn out was decent. about 13 gals. i had anticipated many more but all is well. but i think they enjoyed it. we also had pearl necklaces & diamond rings as favors & the cups were suppose to go along with them with their names on it but that didnt happen as folks came in at diff times.

ms. s & i

The weather is exactly a representation of how I'm feeling lately. People can be so mean to one another, it's heartbreaking. It's people that teach you to behave the way you do. We'd all be nice and sweet if everyone else was. I guess at times like this- you're lucky to have your own little cheerleaders near you ( like dahling and ms. S) and this is why people create their own little teams. You have to have one of your own to occupy your time here on earth. It's funny how when you back away from people no one has the time to ask why or to care. What's going on here?!! The world wasn't that horrid before.


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im stressed

& you ask what else is new? but this is a bit crazy. life needs to calm the heck down. so for that im trying to minimize where ever i possibly can. theres lots going on & theres lots that needs to be tended to in the sense of decision making. im sure everything will fall into place soon enough but until it does, its mind boggling. everything is everywhere & im trying to hold it all in place.
a few pieces of advice im trying to follow:
-keep it simple
-make one big decision & the rest will follow
-trust in god
-stop scheduling more than you can handle

all good stuff but its hard to follow.
im stressing the tea party im having. i think i have it mostly figured out but its not completely there yet & yes its this sunday. my tea cups are take homes that are to be used while they are here but they dont have handles on them. i have already purchased a large quantity of them. so thats where it begun. also have 3 big teapots that should be decent enough. probably need an iced tea as well.
my craft room is filled with boas & mary engelbriets themed stuff & fake pearl necklaces. the menu is getting there with a def. of cupcakes, cucumber sandwiches, pimento cheese ones & chix. salad. a fruit tray & plenty of cookies will be around. im just not sure what else to do just yet. maybe something spicy as well.
i just hope it all goes well. im stressing about the tea pots & how to keep the water hot.
& so im hoping to get thru this weekend & then the rest must follow.

I'm in Charlotte finally visiting ms s's "thaou" (dahlings brother) . And ms s is having a nice time. She loves to be around extended family. She likes knowing her cousins. And dahlings bro. adores her. While they dance I can't help the headache go away. Maybe 1 drink too little for me or it's just me not feeling good as I've been like on and off lately. Hmmm. Hoping I'll make out this weekend ok.

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