a bit of ranting once again

im feeling like i can talk on things that would go on for chapters. but i dont know if any of it will make sense. so here it goes...
i dont think that money, name, friends, a grand occupation of some sort makes you fully whole. yes it makes some of who you are but it doesnt make you the person that you are or are going to be in life for yourself as well for the handful of people that will watch you thru out. no its not only the cars you drove or owned ,
or the house that you grew up or live in now,
or the amount of shoes you own,
or the amt.of friends you have,
or the towns you were raised in,
or all the loves you had in your life,
or how you have your house set up.
all this combined with so much more makes you who you are now & in the future.
you can travel 12 different countries & see an uncountable amount of towns all over the world & the US up until now but that doesnt make all of me.

im not sure what it is that makes the whole you but i know those arent the only things. i know that your upbringing, your values, your nice-ness, my meani-ness, your hard head, my fears,
my most tender spots, your most craziest insecurities, my taste in food (more so spicy),
my shopping habits, your gift giving habits, my inviting people over to the house for food (even if you may never get the invite back), your weak spots, my anger management,
your treatment of older people, my view point on little kids, your feelings for a dog, my neatness, your messiness, your listening skills, my view on the world (how its so big yet so small & within reach), your abilty to lead or teach anything, my loyalties, my taste in books & films, your long term relatonships, my ability to hang in wherever, the many jobs i held (& always left), your confusions,
all make me/us up.
i think that a jumble of everything is what creates a human being. not just a person but one that is well rounded.
you can sit there & say that "i know the world ive seen it all already" but if you cant put yourself under most of these tabs, im sorry but you are yet to be a person that can make such a priveledged statement.
growing up in 1 place & coming to a new town to work & live in is not seeing the world. nor is having 1 type of job your whole life hardly qualifies for a you know it all card.
people do it all the time but i find that immensly unflattering. what can you hardly share with others in your life? how can you mesmerize your children or your spouse? how can you truly know that you lived if you dont want to experience more of the world & what is out there?!! there is so much out there. so much that we cant even wrap our silly little heads around even if we tried.
i can remember so many little events that happened thru out my life. & each one of them i wish i could paint a vivid picture of & glue it in with a story worth telling. each worthy moment that made me who i am. i dont talk of things or of events that i have gone thru in front of anyone. they are released over time to only a few that simply understand. & i dont feel the need to show anyone all the elements that make me the fabulous person that i am today. & yes i can say that. can you? i hope that you can soon enough or its a life of waste. i must admit-i do try in my own ways daily to live life a bit more. so i dont ever stop growing. one should never want to stop learning. one should never think that this is all there is to life. though i have many days where it certainly feels as if there could be nothing more than this.
i know in my heart that life is so precious & good.
if we were kids with a chart that received stars for all the good things weve done thru out, we'd each have a galaxy of our own.
oh my heart is filled with endless rants but i think this is as decent as i can get it to be tonite.
im not sure how to conclude this whole post so ill leave it as it is.

dear valentine

i feel comfortable enough not to worry that i needed to get you a present on this media made day to prove to you that i love you.
but i def. appreciated all your lovely gestures for me.

pics from when my cousin was over at my house

they are kinda cute & simple. i like em.

i love pt. deux

i love the way she stirs a foundue fork int a big conch shell telling me "im not very good at mixing but what you want to eat?" & theres pennies & hair pins in there.

how she wakes up in the morning & comes straight into my room & slides in between the covers telling me "wake up-lets go eat."
i wonder how long would i lie in bed if it werent for her? sometimes i do wish i could stay in there for awhile though on a day like today-cuz my head was ready to explode from the ache of being yucky sick.

i also love the way my heart sinks when i think of him. the lingering taste of bliss in my heart. its peaceful. no one needs to know all that you feel.
like someone once told me recently; some-things you take with you to your grave. 'or with you while you go on with the daily grind'-i added in my head. arent there moments with people that you spent that make you swallow hard & put you at ease all at the same time. & arent those the moments that make you feel alive?

im trying to put out a little bit of love this month so that i can see that the world isnt a sad a place after all. dont ask me where & from who are the tidbits that i write off ? they are all from my head & from my life. thats plently as is.

i love pt. un

i mean how the heck did we already jump into this so quick?

i love this month because there are hearts everywhere. & if you live in the usa you know how much this month is all over the place. valentinish stuff on the windows of stores, hearts in the shapes of cookies & chocolates, on kids shirts, & just everywhere. man i love heart stuff. i love stars but hearts are too cute as well. my latest collection is of hearts in the form of paperweights made of heavy glass or marble. im trying to hold off buying some that i saw until after v-day but i dont know how long thatll last. im def. wanting the alabaster red heart from barnes & nobles. (pic. aboved) i hope its there when i get to it. ooh & the ones at world market. i heart them.

okay enough of that.

umm what else is on my mind? umm how this weather sucks. ive been tired of sitting at home. & though most days i dont do a whole lot-seems as if in sucky weather everything feels very limited.

im dreaming of walking around bleecker street & the west village ooohing & aaahing over stumbling upon stores that wouldnt ever be seen here in nc. i can see myself just getting lost once again in & out of the streets imagining a life there. i love thinking about me living in the city. ahhhhh.

i cant stop picturing places ive been to. for instance, there are some spots that you are standing or sitting at & you know that this place will often be visited in your head again & again. like

~the chinese restaurant all dark & bricky with fab. tiny dishes in the village.

~the lobby of the W when i walked in

~of the narrow streets in seville that twist & turn & lead you onto a spill of small local shops of olives stuffed with garlic in big barrels along with limey peppers & of bakeries that sell fresh cinn. twists that would go lovely with tea in the morning.

~of the mosque in kuala lampur where i had to wear a blue burkha to be able to go upstairs & sit inside where when i prayed, my eyes spilled with tears.

~of the little dhaba/local type place i went to & had dosa & sambhar in the evening while on my walk in the neighborhood while talking to the owner there.

~of the rest. i sat at & had a plate of biryani with a cooling pink drink made of milk & jello pieces where right above me the fans were on & every few minutes water was sprayed to help cool you off.

~of the hammock in the middle of the pool next to the bar there in cancun. how i sank right in while the sun glowed atop.

~of the boat swaying while in transit from marco polos airport to lido.

~of walking around trying to get to the bullring in port.

~of dubai-esp. when i was sitting at the little desi club while watching the pretty desi girls dancing alongside eating roti with mattar paneer hearing my mom humming alongside one of the songs being played.

~of paris-the first time i laid my eyes on the tower while crossing a very busy street.

~of walking out onto the street in london & watching a protest live. & of later on finding a little tiny cutsey bakery where hot coffee never tasted better but did even more alongside a tiny pastry & overhearing locals conversations. remember that (dahling?)

oh i can go on & on but i need to stop. does that ever happen to you? you stand in a moment & think that you want to be totally in this moment as not to miss a beat so you can savor it later when youre sitting on your couch at home or driving around town. its like a mental picture you take that will go with you wherever you may be.

yeah it snowed hard here

i look like an idiot but i did slide down the hill in this bucket as best i could so thats my proof (& me falling over hence the blacked up knees)

my pic. not so great but i love ms. s in it. its perfect as it started to snow & she did what she thought was right.the front door. well i really liked the way it looked with my vday wreath & snow on the steps.

ms. s wanted to oh so badly play in it all day long but she froze her little fingers off in a jiffy & was crying to go back inside. i wanted to play a little longer. the past 2 days have been spent indoors with lots of tv watching & eating. but what can you do when everythings closed & you have plenty of food around?!!

& the back yard view. same every year.

oh i so

*am ready for the big VDAY! i dont have anything planned but its always fun to look forward to. & i love the after sales. im also hosting a valentines party at my place for my mummy group. ms. s & i are already working on our favors.
*am wanting to run off to somewhere far far away again as my soul is craving an unknown location for no specific purpose but to roam & explore. i want to sit on a bench or a side stoop resting between destinations within a new city. i want to oh so badly tread new sidewalks & sidestreets in hopes to find something savory to chew into.
*am wanting to win the lotto which i dont ever play. or just having a wad of cash falling from the sky to make it all better. yes many things will get better that way.
*want a wonderfully fab. camera whose images i can relish.
*want to throw a wild party from the book 'where the wild things are' for a fab. birthday. ive adored the book since i was wee little. i adore it esp. since i found the 4 characters in plush form.
*need to shop for new clothes. im so boring lately. or so i feel.
*need help. i cant stop organizing my closet & my underwear drawer. whats the point?!!
*need to stop eating so thoughtlessly. my doc. has reported that i need to cut down on my cholesterol & exercise to keep it down. but i love my scones with whipped cream.
*need to finish my lovely book that a friend gave to me before she left me for a far away life. i love every bit of the yellow sticky notes that surprise me with her thoughts after a few pages. i adore it immensely.
*am tired right now.