so much-_-_

sometimes when you least expect it things happen that you wouldnt expect. it hits you like a load of bricks. it can be a number of feelings such as but are not limited to:
how unworthy you are, how meaningless you are, how you have nothing under your belt, how you should have gone to study to be a doctor, lawyer or engineer, or married one (lol not the same as being one though), how you could have been better somehow, how you could have been just good at one thing & one thing only, just somehow your parents knew that your presence matters-that you mean well for them.
& then thats when you can take a few routes- feel sorry & cry & wish you were never born or just do something about it. or the other route is that you sit & you stay still & lay low forawhile until your feet find the ground again. they eventually will.
im not floating in clouds of goodness, they are grey for now & its hard. i know for a fact that sunny days are ahead but whatever. i have to make the best of these gloomy days as if there was no tomorrow. would you not dance in the rain & relish in the wet mud if you knew your last days were just these-the rainy days?
dont know if all this makes sense.
i find myself taking a feel better pill (nothing really serious a sudafed nite pill since i really am sick) that puts me to sleep but wakes me exactly at 4:06 in the morning. & it takes awhile for me to go back to sleep so i find myself thinking of the oddest things or the most normal-est things such as but are not limited to;
what type of new couch would be nice, what theme should ms. s 3rd birthday party have, what career i should have gone into? should i even bother painting the living room walls since ms. s is still growing? what sex will the next baby be? will i be able to have another? will god forgive me for my sins? will my mother ever be happy from my side? have i been a good enough person? will i ever have best friends again? should i get another dog that i think will be with me forever but i know theres no such thing? where did all my old blog posts go to? what if i went the other way? & on & on...
i watch my daughter & i listen to the things she says & im mesmerized. i cant believe i have a person that im responsible for who will one day remind others of me. of how people will say that she was raised like this or like that by her parents which will reflect me. its so scary. i wonder if ill ever be a good mother?
i try so hard to be patient, to listen, to be assertive, to welcome change, to accept whats happening but it get difficult. im not as tough as i once thought i was. the older one gets, the wiser 'tis true but also weaker,a bit sadder as they see the world in a new light. you see the world like you never saw it before. the possibilities of new things are not what they use to be. they are not endless yet they maybe. MAYBE is not good enough any longer.
i miss the good old days when i had no idea that these days would be just those-the good old ones.