rainy rainy friday nite

her first umbrella pictures ever captured again by mr. m. thankyou dear sir. that pic. phone of his does come in handy sometimes.

my beautiful baby. shes wonderful in all sorts of weather.

me making breakfast

this is my fav. omlette ever & only i know how to make it perfect. you can have it tiki style or scrambled (the way i prefer it) served along with sweet hawaiian bread or any toast with jam. mr m. thought it would be fun to show my sometimes morning duties.

the big girl bed & card making

ive been busy doing up stuff in the house. have'nt been out much but still seems like lots been going on. on wed nite i sat there & made birthday cards-3d-ish & i thought they were terrific. at like 11 at nite when it was all being done.

then thursday was spent searching for a proper mattress for the princess & the room was set up with her way too big girl bed. i didnt have my own room until i was like 13. she actually slept in it as well. as dahling thought it was best to get her the whole bedspread that she was wishing for (disney princess). it was so hard for me to settle on that as i wanted that whole theme of shabby chic to continue. i settled with it thinking that she does deserve to have a normal kid childhood with the character crap that all kids adore when they are this young. ahhh. i guess pretty pink & white sheets can come into play a little later. so there is a princess soft throw & bedsheets to complete the deal. she loves it there. its a sleigh bed that cant be seen well in the sucky pics i took with a flash while she was sleeping or else its like glowy in there.

anyhow i was kind of teary eyed last nite as i was overwhelmed with all that i am blessed with in my life.

there were times when i was younger & used to babysit for folks in their big ol' houses & wonder if that kinda of life would be mine & lo & behold-here i am sitting on it-in it-whichever seems right. its amazing to see everything come together. for example: there are things in ms. s' room that i have been collecting for years as things that i adored & now they are all in there & they come together quite well. you see its not the things that i find comfort in-its the time that has passed-the time that i spent searching & then loving what ive picked out & bringing it home. & now its passed onto someone i never imagined would be in my life at those times that i was sitting for other peoples kids or walking around at on lazy daze in cary when i was young. i cant believe how time passes & what changes it brings. its spectacular. heck its overwhelming.

my little girl is so grown up. she tells me 'dont be sad mama" when she sees me lying down, she tells me not to worry, that "itll be ok", & "you'll feel better in no time". words that are suppose to be comforting anyway but said in my girls voice & it makes you want to crumble.

i am blessed & i acknowledge that. i always want to. nothing was ever handed to us so its even more special. god has been good to us, to me. i can only ask for the same goodness in the future

phewwwwwwwwwwwwww.

the garage is sad

as it only holds my car (thats not the sad part) & mr. m's hot yellow bike. it has infact lost its partnew bike to a good deal apparently made that dahling found he had to sell to.

captured by ms. s photo taking skills. promise

the best birdhouse ever

we went to the annual lazy daze festival in cary which we never miss unless we are out of town. so we parked on the main street right before the streets are closed for this & passed by all these wonderful art stalls & there was one that caught my eye-these magical looking birdhouses that were amazing. so we rushed passed the other stalls trying to get to the food square (as we always do) & after that was done we saw that grey clouds were coming in. ms. s had to have a balloon made into a pink butterfly so we got that & made our way forward. instead of rushing towards the car we stuck around. we were caught in the rain & it was a delight. running from one big blooming tree to another then underneath the roof of the postoffice, it made me feel better. it made me forget about the saddness that lured around me since last night.

so the sun came in again & we passed the stalls & then i looked at this house again. seemed too magical to pass up so i paid the man after deciding on the one with the red roof & dahling walked away with it as i was thinking about where i can place it back at home, on the front porch or the back deck. yeah so its home now. i get a magical feeling looking at it-looks more of a fairy house then a birdhouse. thats what id like to think of it as.

so much-_-_

sometimes when you least expect it things happen that you wouldnt expect. it hits you like a load of bricks. it can be a number of feelings such as but are not limited to:
how unworthy you are, how meaningless you are, how you have nothing under your belt, how you should have gone to study to be a doctor, lawyer or engineer, or married one (lol not the same as being one though), how you could have been better somehow, how you could have been just good at one thing & one thing only, just somehow your parents knew that your presence matters-that you mean well for them.
& then thats when you can take a few routes- feel sorry & cry & wish you were never born or just do something about it. or the other route is that you sit & you stay still & lay low forawhile until your feet find the ground again. they eventually will.
im not floating in clouds of goodness, they are grey for now & its hard. i know for a fact that sunny days are ahead but whatever. i have to make the best of these gloomy days as if there was no tomorrow. would you not dance in the rain & relish in the wet mud if you knew your last days were just these-the rainy days?
dont know if all this makes sense.
i find myself taking a feel better pill (nothing really serious a sudafed nite pill since i really am sick) that puts me to sleep but wakes me exactly at 4:06 in the morning. & it takes awhile for me to go back to sleep so i find myself thinking of the oddest things or the most normal-est things such as but are not limited to;
what type of new couch would be nice, what theme should ms. s 3rd birthday party have, what career i should have gone into? should i even bother painting the living room walls since ms. s is still growing? what sex will the next baby be? will i be able to have another? will god forgive me for my sins? will my mother ever be happy from my side? have i been a good enough person? will i ever have best friends again? should i get another dog that i think will be with me forever but i know theres no such thing? where did all my old blog posts go to? what if i went the other way? & on & on...
i watch my daughter & i listen to the things she says & im mesmerized. i cant believe i have a person that im responsible for who will one day remind others of me. of how people will say that she was raised like this or like that by her parents which will reflect me. its so scary. i wonder if ill ever be a good mother?
i try so hard to be patient, to listen, to be assertive, to welcome change, to accept whats happening but it get difficult. im not as tough as i once thought i was. the older one gets, the wiser 'tis true but also weaker,a bit sadder as they see the world in a new light. you see the world like you never saw it before. the possibilities of new things are not what they use to be. they are not endless yet they maybe. MAYBE is not good enough any longer.
i miss the good old days when i had no idea that these days would be just those-the good old ones.

& ms. s & her dancing partner

too cute. they were like best buds after a while & they danced the night away amusing us.

did i mention that i love to

DANCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...

not all the time but anytime that the music is on & its really really loud, i can feel the rhythm & its great. this is at shalinis surprise birthday over the weekend.

stuff

1. its not nice when people seek attention of others in weird ways. just be upfront & say youre in need of attention. i understand when children under the age of 15 do it but after that its unneccesary.
2. how do guys get away with stuff more than girls?
3. i love how ms. s tells me "dont worry mama hes just a boy" when i was upset the other nite
4. i love the french actress audrey tautou. im addicted to her movies ever since i watched amelie years ago.
5. love never ends, sometimes it goes thru phases of sorts you wouldnt imagine. it just makes it all too strong.
6. i love the rain. last nite it was storming & crazy & i felt at 2 in the morning god was up there making some decisions. scary & crazy at the same time.
7. the batteries & the re-charger-what a great idea!

a nice songggggg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hj6FGeQRMMc&feature=related

loving the lyrics
just for you

you can - think you can get free, you think you won't need me
that you're gonna get you somethin better,
but you know that we're in this forever,
and you can think you can walk out, even with your doubts,but you know that we're in this together,
you can try to push me from you, nothing you do will keep us apart. cuz it's too late, there's no escape, might as well face it, baby, we're stuck with each other
ain't nothin you can do about it,
it's been too long, it's been too strong - cause we belong here, baby, we're stuck with each other stuck in love with each other (stuck in love with each other)
now i can say that i would not care, if you were not there,
tell myself that i'll be fine without ya, but i would die if i was not around ya, and i can try to convince you i don't need to be with you,but my only thoughts are thoughts about ya, what can i do, love is like glue.

before going out last nite to some desi comedy thing

i bought this shirt especially for him from banana republic the other day knowing he was going to look great in it since he doesnt have this shade & i must say he looked fab in it. he smelled great too. wink wink

my mum & i had a good time unlike the rest of the crowd.