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Thursday, March 25, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
long nap
as i sit here today after waking up at 6 from what was suppose to be a midday nap im kinda lost. i mean what are we to do with ourselves in life to pass the time?
ms. s was sleeping next to me & dahling wasnt home. i felt as if i didnt wake up & then try to wake ms. s up no one would even notice. i feel like this sometimes & its a disheartning feeling. its like no one even knows whats up with us. & if i didnt wake up then no one would wake my child up either. i dont know if this makes any sense but do you see what im saying? its like no ones around, no one cares. its a lonely feeling. i bet people feel like this sometimes.
ahhh
& what can you do on a saturday after your long nap if you have no where to go or no one to see? we went to the mall, we went to the park during the day & now there was no where to be. but what could we do now to pass the time until we have to go to bed again. its all such a repeat show of time pass. its a yucky thing.
lately i have no energy & all i want to do is rest or eat. im tired & i could really care less about my house being cleaned from top to bottom. id like for it to be but i just cant do it. i want to be looked after & i dont want to have to look after others. its so difficult to do that without being the meany!
& you cant always hold onto the little things that are said in a relationship occasionally when there was no intended harm. we are allowed to say random senseless things sometimes. it doesnt need to mean that we need to dissect the whole "issue" & needing a thearpist type of thing. goodness. just let it go. i dont want to always have to be careful of everything i want to or have to say. it just feels too uptight. ok thats that.
ms. s was sleeping next to me & dahling wasnt home. i felt as if i didnt wake up & then try to wake ms. s up no one would even notice. i feel like this sometimes & its a disheartning feeling. its like no one even knows whats up with us. & if i didnt wake up then no one would wake my child up either. i dont know if this makes any sense but do you see what im saying? its like no ones around, no one cares. its a lonely feeling. i bet people feel like this sometimes.
ahhh
& what can you do on a saturday after your long nap if you have no where to go or no one to see? we went to the mall, we went to the park during the day & now there was no where to be. but what could we do now to pass the time until we have to go to bed again. its all such a repeat show of time pass. its a yucky thing.
lately i have no energy & all i want to do is rest or eat. im tired & i could really care less about my house being cleaned from top to bottom. id like for it to be but i just cant do it. i want to be looked after & i dont want to have to look after others. its so difficult to do that without being the meany!
& you cant always hold onto the little things that are said in a relationship occasionally when there was no intended harm. we are allowed to say random senseless things sometimes. it doesnt need to mean that we need to dissect the whole "issue" & needing a thearpist type of thing. goodness. just let it go. i dont want to always have to be careful of everything i want to or have to say. it just feels too uptight. ok thats that.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
a bit of ranting once again
im feeling like i can talk on things that would go on for chapters. but i dont know if any of it will make sense. so here it goes...
i dont think that money, name, friends, a grand occupation of some sort makes you fully whole. yes it makes some of who you are but it doesnt make you the person that you are or are going to be in life for yourself as well for the handful of people that will watch you thru out. no its not only the cars you drove or owned ,
or the house that you grew up or live in now,
or the amount of shoes you own,
or the amt.of friends you have,
or the towns you were raised in,
or all the loves you had in your life,
or how you have your house set up.
all this combined with so much more makes you who you are now & in the future.
you can travel 12 different countries & see an uncountable amount of towns all over the world & the US up until now but that doesnt make all of me.
im not sure what it is that makes the whole you but i know those arent the only things. i know that your upbringing, your values, your nice-ness, my meani-ness, your hard head, my fears,
my most tender spots, your most craziest insecurities, my taste in food (more so spicy),
my shopping habits, your gift giving habits, my inviting people over to the house for food (even if you may never get the invite back), your weak spots, my anger management,
your treatment of older people, my view point on little kids, your feelings for a dog, my neatness, your messiness, your listening skills, my view on the world (how its so big yet so small & within reach), your abilty to lead or teach anything, my loyalties, my taste in books & films, your long term relatonships, my ability to hang in wherever, the many jobs i held (& always left), your confusions,
all make me/us up.
i think that a jumble of everything is what creates a human being. not just a person but one that is well rounded.
you can sit there & say that "i know the world ive seen it all already" but if you cant put yourself under most of these tabs, im sorry but you are yet to be a person that can make such a priveledged statement.
growing up in 1 place & coming to a new town to work & live in is not seeing the world. nor is having 1 type of job your whole life hardly qualifies for a you know it all card.
people do it all the time but i find that immensly unflattering. what can you hardly share with others in your life? how can you mesmerize your children or your spouse? how can you truly know that you lived if you dont want to experience more of the world & what is out there?!! there is so much out there. so much that we cant even wrap our silly little heads around even if we tried.
i can remember so many little events that happened thru out my life. & each one of them i wish i could paint a vivid picture of & glue it in with a story worth telling. each worthy moment that made me who i am. i dont talk of things or of events that i have gone thru in front of anyone. they are released over time to only a few that simply understand. & i dont feel the need to show anyone all the elements that make me the fabulous person that i am today. & yes i can say that. can you? i hope that you can soon enough or its a life of waste. i must admit-i do try in my own ways daily to live life a bit more. so i dont ever stop growing. one should never want to stop learning. one should never think that this is all there is to life. though i have many days where it certainly feels as if there could be nothing more than this.
i know in my heart that life is so precious & good.
if we were kids with a chart that received stars for all the good things weve done thru out, we'd each have a galaxy of our own.
oh my heart is filled with endless rants but i think this is as decent as i can get it to be tonite.
im not sure how to conclude this whole post so ill leave it as it is.
i dont think that money, name, friends, a grand occupation of some sort makes you fully whole. yes it makes some of who you are but it doesnt make you the person that you are or are going to be in life for yourself as well for the handful of people that will watch you thru out. no its not only the cars you drove or owned ,
or the house that you grew up or live in now,
or the amount of shoes you own,
or the amt.of friends you have,
or the towns you were raised in,
or all the loves you had in your life,
or how you have your house set up.
all this combined with so much more makes you who you are now & in the future.
you can travel 12 different countries & see an uncountable amount of towns all over the world & the US up until now but that doesnt make all of me.
im not sure what it is that makes the whole you but i know those arent the only things. i know that your upbringing, your values, your nice-ness, my meani-ness, your hard head, my fears,
my most tender spots, your most craziest insecurities, my taste in food (more so spicy),
my shopping habits, your gift giving habits, my inviting people over to the house for food (even if you may never get the invite back), your weak spots, my anger management,
your treatment of older people, my view point on little kids, your feelings for a dog, my neatness, your messiness, your listening skills, my view on the world (how its so big yet so small & within reach), your abilty to lead or teach anything, my loyalties, my taste in books & films, your long term relatonships, my ability to hang in wherever, the many jobs i held (& always left), your confusions,
all make me/us up.
i think that a jumble of everything is what creates a human being. not just a person but one that is well rounded.
you can sit there & say that "i know the world ive seen it all already" but if you cant put yourself under most of these tabs, im sorry but you are yet to be a person that can make such a priveledged statement.
growing up in 1 place & coming to a new town to work & live in is not seeing the world. nor is having 1 type of job your whole life hardly qualifies for a you know it all card.
people do it all the time but i find that immensly unflattering. what can you hardly share with others in your life? how can you mesmerize your children or your spouse? how can you truly know that you lived if you dont want to experience more of the world & what is out there?!! there is so much out there. so much that we cant even wrap our silly little heads around even if we tried.
i can remember so many little events that happened thru out my life. & each one of them i wish i could paint a vivid picture of & glue it in with a story worth telling. each worthy moment that made me who i am. i dont talk of things or of events that i have gone thru in front of anyone. they are released over time to only a few that simply understand. & i dont feel the need to show anyone all the elements that make me the fabulous person that i am today. & yes i can say that. can you? i hope that you can soon enough or its a life of waste. i must admit-i do try in my own ways daily to live life a bit more. so i dont ever stop growing. one should never want to stop learning. one should never think that this is all there is to life. though i have many days where it certainly feels as if there could be nothing more than this.
i know in my heart that life is so precious & good.
if we were kids with a chart that received stars for all the good things weve done thru out, we'd each have a galaxy of our own.
oh my heart is filled with endless rants but i think this is as decent as i can get it to be tonite.
im not sure how to conclude this whole post so ill leave it as it is.
Monday, February 15, 2010
dear valentine
i feel comfortable enough not to worry that i needed to get you a present on this media made day to prove to you that i love you.
but i def. appreciated all your lovely gestures for me.
but i def. appreciated all your lovely gestures for me.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
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